THE HANDBOOK - DRIVING IN SAUDI ARABIA
When one comes to the Middle East one experiences many new things, concepts and cultural differences. One of the most important, and one we tend to take for granted in the United States, is driving. This handbook is dedicated to making that transition easier and capable of being understood, given the vast differences that will be encountered.
PRE-DRIVING CHECK
Before beginning your first odyssey in your car in Saudi Arabia, sit in the drivers seat, hold the steering wheel and chant the following mantra slowly and with conviction as follows:
"I am the only driver on the road and mine is the only car." This may, at first, be hard to understand, especially after you've seen the traffic during any time of the day or night, but thousands of Arab drivers believe it and so can you! You better, or you won't have a
chance unless you have this faith. Remember, your car is the car, and all others are mere aberrations in the divine scheme.
LIGHTS
Next, examine your car. It is imperative that two of the controls work: the accelerator and the horn. Anything else is optional. If, for example, you intend to drive at night you may find headlamps to be a distinct advantage. But, you must remember to set them on 'high beam',
then disable the dip switch so you will not accidentally dim your lights! You should only have rear lights if you consider yourself to be a person of such little consequence that someone could ever catch up to you!
BRAKES
Brakes are considered to be a sign of middle class snobbery. If you have them, and they work and at some time decide to use them, it is important to consider your social standing. For example, gentle braking would indicate that you are a 'wimp'. Braking should be left until the very last second, then applied with gusto, force and verve. All the better if you can manage to skid or at least squeal your tires! They will squeal more if you lower the air pressure somewhat.
CAR BODY
Finally, examine the coachwork. A dent indicated that you are not only a "Person of Consequence", but you have proved it in combat. It also denotes 'courage' and 'flair'. If you do not have a dent, don't worry, you will soon acquire your fair share.
N.B. The use of a hammer is considered cheating and is in very poor taste
NOW YOU ARE READY FOR THE ROAD
THE ROAD
THE STOP SIGN(Or how I place my faith in Allah)
As elsewhere, there are rules in Saudi Arabia about stopping, crossings, maximum speed and so forth. But, there laws only exist as tests of character and self esteem. Stopping for a "Stop" sign, for example, is prima facie evidence that the driver is an impotent cuckold and ignoring a "Stop" sign is proof that the driver is a 'Person of Consequence'. This is why the Arab driver who is stopped by a policeman goes red in the face, beats his forehead with his fists and upbraids the officer. It is not the embarrassment of the inconvenience, it is the implication that he is not quite important enough to drive the wrong way down a one-way street.
THE FOUR WAY DEADLOCK
In most parts of the world, well OK, the US, traffic lights are arranged in a logical sequence. That is, at a major intersection(lights at all four compass points), The lights for the North facing and South facing lanes of traffic will change at the same time. Left turn arrows are provided for each, and right turns are allowed after a full stop. Not so in Saudi Arabia. It will become obvious as you read on. Only one set of the four lights permits movement at any one time. Then the next set, either to your right or left, will change and allow those vehicle to proceed. This is a prime cause of the "Traffic Light Swerve". This comes in either right or left hand versions(all the better to keep the unsuspecting driver in a cold sweat). To perform the 'swerve' satisfactorily, you will have to develop split second timing. Right Hand Version-For this version, you need to find a multiple lane roadway where the inside lane is blocked by "Persons of No Consequence' who have stopped for a red light. You must storm down the clear outside lane to arrive just as the traffic light turns green,(very to easy to spot as you will hear the blast of 15-20 horns) and immediately turn right, crossing in front of the cars just beginning to move forward, right and left. Left Hand Version-In the left hand version you will need to use the
inside land and turn left or U-turn. The can be and is a very exciting and exhilarating experience. If you are very good, you may be able to cross as many as 8 rows of traffic without a scratch!
AUXILLIARY LIGHTING
Your first venture into the darkness will at once impress you as to how really dark it is. In Riyadh especially, you will notice the distinct lack of street lights and/or when you do 'find' them one notices that they are not turned on! Other lights on the freeways are so tall as to be of no assistance whatsoever. The solution to this dilemma is the "Sparky lane"; especially on
freeways. In the U.S. we are used to the emergency, break-down lanes that are located on the outside of the active freeway lanes. They are marked with a 'yellow' line. The rule is that one uses these lanes only in the case of an emergency. You guessed it Holmes, not true in Saudi. On freeways the speed limit is 120 Km/Hr.(roughly 83 MPH). When a 'Person of Consequence' notices that traffic is moving slowly he will make use of the "Sparky lane". For example, if you are in the fast lane and doing 120, the 'P of C' will move into the emergency lane at 125+. He will flash his lights, if you are lucky, to let you know that he has placed his trust in Allah and "is in the lane". We all know that these lanes are narrower than the others. And, here in Saudi Arabia, they have concrete medians about 3.5ft high. The lighting, or lack thereof, is solved by the sparks flying from the outside rear-view mirror as it scrapes the concrete median. "Believe it or not"! Hence, auxiliary lighting!
THE FOUR-WAY DEADLOCK
The basic rule is to force your car as far as it will go in any opening in the traffic. It is this rule that produces the famous Arab "Four-Way Deadlock". It would appear that the deadlock could be broken if any of the cars would reverse, but this is impossible because the car right
behind you and the car behind him etc. Anyway, if an Arab did reverse, he would become an "Object of Ridicule", for this would suggest a weakness of character and a lack of moral
fiber.
PARKING
The shame of reversing accounts for some of the difficulty in parking. You will find that when you stop just past a vacant space and try to back into it, you can't because another car is less than 6" from your rear bumper, tooting away. You can give up the space and move on, or you
can get out, go back and try to convince him to let you park. This you will do by shouting Personal Abuse into his window. One of three things will happen:
1. He will stare sullenly ahead and continue blowing his horn
2. He will shout personal abuse back at you
3. He will get out of his car and kill you, subsequently pleading "Crime of Honor", which is an automatic acquittal in Arab Court.
Since Arab drivers usually drive head first into a parking space, every third or forth car has its tail sticking out causing drivers in the closest active lane to execute a "shuffle, chevron formation plie(sp?) into the other active lanes. Driving is further complicated by double
parked cars and the Arab penchant of leaving a side street by driving half way out into the active lane and then looking while still continuing the turn. Solution: The way to deal with these hazards is to blow your horn and execute the "shuffle, chevron formation plie(sp?). All Arab drivers accept the axiom that anything you do while blowing the horn is "Sacred", unless of course, they happen to be blowing their horn, in which case they take precedence. If you make a careful in-lane stop, you not only expose your social and sexual inadequacies, but you may also never get moving again since you show yourself as a weakling who anyone can challenge with impunity.
"ROUNDABOUTS" AND "ONE-WAY STREETS"
The thing to remember about One Way streets in Saudi is that they are not one way. A driver who has a block(street) to go assumes that when the authorities put up the signs, they were not thinking of cases like his. He drives in the wrong direction going full throttle to get over it
quickly and to prove hat he really is in a terrible hurry. Similarly the "Roundabout", with its river like formation of movement is to the Arab driver just so much exhilarating open space. He doesn't go around it, he goes across it, at high speed, taking the direct line from the point of entry to his intended exit-while sounding his horn. This will make no sense whatsoever to Californians!
THE "FUNNEL" AND "REVERSE" FUNNEL EFFECT
In some cases, the few four lane streets, after four or five blocks become two lane and even one lane streets. This produces the "funnel effect", which can be unnerving; the uneasy motorist may get trapped against one side of the road or the other and have to wait until traffic
slacks off at around one or two o'clock in the morning to get moving. The "reverse tunnel" effect is even more dangerous. Imagine the effect of bottling up a number of proud and excitable Arab drivers in a narrow street for a half mile or so and then suddenly releasing them. It is
like dumping out a sack of white rats. As each car emerges it tries to overtake the cars ahead of it, and if possible, tow or three more. The car ahead however, is passing the car in front of it and so on. Thus the first hundred yards or so of the "reverse tunnel" effect before the cars shake down, is a malestrom of screaming engines, exhaust, spinning tires and blowing horns, often accompanied by screaming and the tearing of metal, with Personal Abuse being shouted by everyone.
OVERTAKING
It is important to overtake while driving, as this ensures acceptance in all social areas, moral, sexual and political. Not to overtake is to lose status, dignity and reputation. It is not where you drive that counts, but what or whom you pass on the way. The procedure is to floor the accelerator and leave it there until you come up on something you can pass. If the Arab driver sees the car in front of him slow down or stop, he knows that there can be but two causes:
1. The driver ahead has died at the wheel.
2. He has suddenly become a "Person of No Consequence", which is roughly the same thing.
He therefore immediately swerves out and passes at full speed. If the driver has stopped for a gaping chasm, the passer is done for, but_."Inshallah"(God Willing-Praise/Thanks be to Allah).
Sometimes even the lowest social orders(one rank above sheep, two above women) get lucky on occasion and manage to pass a heavily laden truck or donkey. So to differentiate yourself from them I is essential that you regularly practice some of the finer variations on the theme of
overtaking. The final, and most devastatingly successful method of overtaking, providing that is well carried out, should elevate you to at least a sheikdom and will prove conclusively that you maintain a mighty 'harem' which you undoubtedly service every night. If you catch up on a long slow moving convoy of vehicles you should switch your lights on, as proof of your importance, pull out and overtake totally regardless of whatever is approaching you from the opposite direction. If, by the awesome power you radiate, you convince the oncoming drivers that you vastly outrank them, then they will swerve off the road and allow you free passage. (Of course, for the sake of their own dignity they will shout Personal Abuse, but to a man of your caliber this will mean nothing). Sometimes though, the oncoming vehicle will be a Mercedes concrete truck which is driven by a Korean or Filipino. BEWARE!!
N.B. The native drivers have not been educated in the finer social graces, and will assume that the mere size and weight of their vehicle is some sort of entree to polite society.
THE COLLISION
The Arab driver wears a 'gutra'(headdress just like Yassar Arafat). This is like a horse wearing blinders. He cannot see to the side-and being a 'Person of Consequence' must maintain his vision strictly to the front and his head cocked down so as to be able to see over his $120 pair of small oval sunglasses. With this posture and attitude, the Arab feels that if he cannot see it in his peripheral vision, IT DOES NOT EXIST!! This now brings us neatly to when(not if) you are involved in a collision. (The Arab word for this is 'Sedum'). The procedure, (providing that nobody has been hurt), is rigidly structured and becomes a formal ritual. First, all of the drivers an passengers spring from their cars shouting Personal Abuse. Passersby spring from their cars, pedestrians spring forward as eyewitnesses, stores empty and invalids arise from their beds from blocks around to totter to the scene. Do not be afraid of this crowd, even if you are absolutely in the wrong. Half of them will be on your side and defend you vociferously, shouting and gesticulating. You must make an immediate, but accurate estimate of those with you and those against. Based on this count you must make the decision whether to reimburse the other party or whether to stand for reimbursement yourself.
Win or lose, pay or be paid, blame has nothing to do with the actions of crashes; it is all entirely a mat of status and virility. Who cares what happened? Who wants to know all the facts and whose fault it was? That is over. The present is what counts. You are being watched by hundreds of pairs of eyes, alert to the slightest loss of poise, the first retreat from savage indignation, but you can win, as you stand in your wilted sports shirt, straw hat and flip flops, dying of thirst, near melting in the heat, comprehending little, groggy, confused and concussed. Just remember and keep telling yourself, "I am a Person of Consequence, I am I am."
PRE-DRIVING CHECK
Before beginning your first odyssey in your car in Saudi Arabia, sit in the drivers seat, hold the steering wheel and chant the following mantra slowly and with conviction as follows:
"I am the only driver on the road and mine is the only car." This may, at first, be hard to understand, especially after you've seen the traffic during any time of the day or night, but thousands of Arab drivers believe it and so can you! You better, or you won't have a
chance unless you have this faith. Remember, your car is the car, and all others are mere aberrations in the divine scheme.
LIGHTS
Next, examine your car. It is imperative that two of the controls work: the accelerator and the horn. Anything else is optional. If, for example, you intend to drive at night you may find headlamps to be a distinct advantage. But, you must remember to set them on 'high beam',
then disable the dip switch so you will not accidentally dim your lights! You should only have rear lights if you consider yourself to be a person of such little consequence that someone could ever catch up to you!
BRAKES
Brakes are considered to be a sign of middle class snobbery. If you have them, and they work and at some time decide to use them, it is important to consider your social standing. For example, gentle braking would indicate that you are a 'wimp'. Braking should be left until the very last second, then applied with gusto, force and verve. All the better if you can manage to skid or at least squeal your tires! They will squeal more if you lower the air pressure somewhat.
CAR BODY
Finally, examine the coachwork. A dent indicated that you are not only a "Person of Consequence", but you have proved it in combat. It also denotes 'courage' and 'flair'. If you do not have a dent, don't worry, you will soon acquire your fair share.
N.B. The use of a hammer is considered cheating and is in very poor taste
NOW YOU ARE READY FOR THE ROAD
THE ROAD
THE STOP SIGN(Or how I place my faith in Allah)
As elsewhere, there are rules in Saudi Arabia about stopping, crossings, maximum speed and so forth. But, there laws only exist as tests of character and self esteem. Stopping for a "Stop" sign, for example, is prima facie evidence that the driver is an impotent cuckold and ignoring a "Stop" sign is proof that the driver is a 'Person of Consequence'. This is why the Arab driver who is stopped by a policeman goes red in the face, beats his forehead with his fists and upbraids the officer. It is not the embarrassment of the inconvenience, it is the implication that he is not quite important enough to drive the wrong way down a one-way street.
THE FOUR WAY DEADLOCK
In most parts of the world, well OK, the US, traffic lights are arranged in a logical sequence. That is, at a major intersection(lights at all four compass points), The lights for the North facing and South facing lanes of traffic will change at the same time. Left turn arrows are provided for each, and right turns are allowed after a full stop. Not so in Saudi Arabia. It will become obvious as you read on. Only one set of the four lights permits movement at any one time. Then the next set, either to your right or left, will change and allow those vehicle to proceed. This is a prime cause of the "Traffic Light Swerve". This comes in either right or left hand versions(all the better to keep the unsuspecting driver in a cold sweat). To perform the 'swerve' satisfactorily, you will have to develop split second timing. Right Hand Version-For this version, you need to find a multiple lane roadway where the inside lane is blocked by "Persons of No Consequence' who have stopped for a red light. You must storm down the clear outside lane to arrive just as the traffic light turns green,(very to easy to spot as you will hear the blast of 15-20 horns) and immediately turn right, crossing in front of the cars just beginning to move forward, right and left. Left Hand Version-In the left hand version you will need to use the
inside land and turn left or U-turn. The can be and is a very exciting and exhilarating experience. If you are very good, you may be able to cross as many as 8 rows of traffic without a scratch!
AUXILLIARY LIGHTING
Your first venture into the darkness will at once impress you as to how really dark it is. In Riyadh especially, you will notice the distinct lack of street lights and/or when you do 'find' them one notices that they are not turned on! Other lights on the freeways are so tall as to be of no assistance whatsoever. The solution to this dilemma is the "Sparky lane"; especially on
freeways. In the U.S. we are used to the emergency, break-down lanes that are located on the outside of the active freeway lanes. They are marked with a 'yellow' line. The rule is that one uses these lanes only in the case of an emergency. You guessed it Holmes, not true in Saudi. On freeways the speed limit is 120 Km/Hr.(roughly 83 MPH). When a 'Person of Consequence' notices that traffic is moving slowly he will make use of the "Sparky lane". For example, if you are in the fast lane and doing 120, the 'P of C' will move into the emergency lane at 125+. He will flash his lights, if you are lucky, to let you know that he has placed his trust in Allah and "is in the lane". We all know that these lanes are narrower than the others. And, here in Saudi Arabia, they have concrete medians about 3.5ft high. The lighting, or lack thereof, is solved by the sparks flying from the outside rear-view mirror as it scrapes the concrete median. "Believe it or not"! Hence, auxiliary lighting!
THE FOUR-WAY DEADLOCK
The basic rule is to force your car as far as it will go in any opening in the traffic. It is this rule that produces the famous Arab "Four-Way Deadlock". It would appear that the deadlock could be broken if any of the cars would reverse, but this is impossible because the car right
behind you and the car behind him etc. Anyway, if an Arab did reverse, he would become an "Object of Ridicule", for this would suggest a weakness of character and a lack of moral
fiber.
PARKING
The shame of reversing accounts for some of the difficulty in parking. You will find that when you stop just past a vacant space and try to back into it, you can't because another car is less than 6" from your rear bumper, tooting away. You can give up the space and move on, or you
can get out, go back and try to convince him to let you park. This you will do by shouting Personal Abuse into his window. One of three things will happen:
1. He will stare sullenly ahead and continue blowing his horn
2. He will shout personal abuse back at you
3. He will get out of his car and kill you, subsequently pleading "Crime of Honor", which is an automatic acquittal in Arab Court.
Since Arab drivers usually drive head first into a parking space, every third or forth car has its tail sticking out causing drivers in the closest active lane to execute a "shuffle, chevron formation plie(sp?) into the other active lanes. Driving is further complicated by double
parked cars and the Arab penchant of leaving a side street by driving half way out into the active lane and then looking while still continuing the turn. Solution: The way to deal with these hazards is to blow your horn and execute the "shuffle, chevron formation plie(sp?). All Arab drivers accept the axiom that anything you do while blowing the horn is "Sacred", unless of course, they happen to be blowing their horn, in which case they take precedence. If you make a careful in-lane stop, you not only expose your social and sexual inadequacies, but you may also never get moving again since you show yourself as a weakling who anyone can challenge with impunity.
"ROUNDABOUTS" AND "ONE-WAY STREETS"
The thing to remember about One Way streets in Saudi is that they are not one way. A driver who has a block(street) to go assumes that when the authorities put up the signs, they were not thinking of cases like his. He drives in the wrong direction going full throttle to get over it
quickly and to prove hat he really is in a terrible hurry. Similarly the "Roundabout", with its river like formation of movement is to the Arab driver just so much exhilarating open space. He doesn't go around it, he goes across it, at high speed, taking the direct line from the point of entry to his intended exit-while sounding his horn. This will make no sense whatsoever to Californians!
THE "FUNNEL" AND "REVERSE" FUNNEL EFFECT
In some cases, the few four lane streets, after four or five blocks become two lane and even one lane streets. This produces the "funnel effect", which can be unnerving; the uneasy motorist may get trapped against one side of the road or the other and have to wait until traffic
slacks off at around one or two o'clock in the morning to get moving. The "reverse tunnel" effect is even more dangerous. Imagine the effect of bottling up a number of proud and excitable Arab drivers in a narrow street for a half mile or so and then suddenly releasing them. It is
like dumping out a sack of white rats. As each car emerges it tries to overtake the cars ahead of it, and if possible, tow or three more. The car ahead however, is passing the car in front of it and so on. Thus the first hundred yards or so of the "reverse tunnel" effect before the cars shake down, is a malestrom of screaming engines, exhaust, spinning tires and blowing horns, often accompanied by screaming and the tearing of metal, with Personal Abuse being shouted by everyone.
OVERTAKING
It is important to overtake while driving, as this ensures acceptance in all social areas, moral, sexual and political. Not to overtake is to lose status, dignity and reputation. It is not where you drive that counts, but what or whom you pass on the way. The procedure is to floor the accelerator and leave it there until you come up on something you can pass. If the Arab driver sees the car in front of him slow down or stop, he knows that there can be but two causes:
1. The driver ahead has died at the wheel.
2. He has suddenly become a "Person of No Consequence", which is roughly the same thing.
He therefore immediately swerves out and passes at full speed. If the driver has stopped for a gaping chasm, the passer is done for, but_."Inshallah"(God Willing-Praise/Thanks be to Allah).
Sometimes even the lowest social orders(one rank above sheep, two above women) get lucky on occasion and manage to pass a heavily laden truck or donkey. So to differentiate yourself from them I is essential that you regularly practice some of the finer variations on the theme of
overtaking. The final, and most devastatingly successful method of overtaking, providing that is well carried out, should elevate you to at least a sheikdom and will prove conclusively that you maintain a mighty 'harem' which you undoubtedly service every night. If you catch up on a long slow moving convoy of vehicles you should switch your lights on, as proof of your importance, pull out and overtake totally regardless of whatever is approaching you from the opposite direction. If, by the awesome power you radiate, you convince the oncoming drivers that you vastly outrank them, then they will swerve off the road and allow you free passage. (Of course, for the sake of their own dignity they will shout Personal Abuse, but to a man of your caliber this will mean nothing). Sometimes though, the oncoming vehicle will be a Mercedes concrete truck which is driven by a Korean or Filipino. BEWARE!!
N.B. The native drivers have not been educated in the finer social graces, and will assume that the mere size and weight of their vehicle is some sort of entree to polite society.
THE COLLISION
The Arab driver wears a 'gutra'(headdress just like Yassar Arafat). This is like a horse wearing blinders. He cannot see to the side-and being a 'Person of Consequence' must maintain his vision strictly to the front and his head cocked down so as to be able to see over his $120 pair of small oval sunglasses. With this posture and attitude, the Arab feels that if he cannot see it in his peripheral vision, IT DOES NOT EXIST!! This now brings us neatly to when(not if) you are involved in a collision. (The Arab word for this is 'Sedum'). The procedure, (providing that nobody has been hurt), is rigidly structured and becomes a formal ritual. First, all of the drivers an passengers spring from their cars shouting Personal Abuse. Passersby spring from their cars, pedestrians spring forward as eyewitnesses, stores empty and invalids arise from their beds from blocks around to totter to the scene. Do not be afraid of this crowd, even if you are absolutely in the wrong. Half of them will be on your side and defend you vociferously, shouting and gesticulating. You must make an immediate, but accurate estimate of those with you and those against. Based on this count you must make the decision whether to reimburse the other party or whether to stand for reimbursement yourself.
Win or lose, pay or be paid, blame has nothing to do with the actions of crashes; it is all entirely a mat of status and virility. Who cares what happened? Who wants to know all the facts and whose fault it was? That is over. The present is what counts. You are being watched by hundreds of pairs of eyes, alert to the slightest loss of poise, the first retreat from savage indignation, but you can win, as you stand in your wilted sports shirt, straw hat and flip flops, dying of thirst, near melting in the heat, comprehending little, groggy, confused and concussed. Just remember and keep telling yourself, "I am a Person of Consequence, I am I am."
Labels: Driving, KSA, Manual, Saudi Arabia
posted by Christian at Wednesday, March 21, 2007
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